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Your kid mouths off for the umpteenth time, and you've had it. Gone are your lofty notions of teachable moments. You yell, "Go to your room! You're not alone. The knee-jerk reaction when our kids misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as. The question is, do these old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?
We asked BabyCenter moms which of your parents' techniques you've used. Then we turned to a panel of experts to find out which are worth keeping in the discipline tool kit and which should be tossed in the trash. According to a BabyCenter survey81 percent of you were spanked as kids, and 48 percent of you do the same to your own children. Some parents say a swat on the bottom is an effective discipline tool when all else fails — others call it child abuse. Toss it. Spanking mostly shows that when you're bigger than someone it's okay to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way.
The hurt, not the learning opportunity, becomes the message. Spanking is a temporary solution that does more harm than good. It "works" because it's external control overbut it doesn't promote internal decision-making. It simply teaches children to behave — or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on the punishment rather than on their poor decision. Spanking also has side effects. It's embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem.
Some withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive. How are we going to teach our children it's not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them?
For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won't teach it isn't safe to run into a busy street until he's developmentally ready to learn that lesson.
Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They've been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they're spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don't let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate. Taking away something fun is a widely used tool by today's parents, many of whom picked up the habit from their own parents. But I often think he just gets mad, and I wonder if he really learns anything from the experience. For today's parents, the idea of redemption plays an important role.
Punishment just invites defiance, rebellion, or low self-esteem. If your child breaks something during a tantrum, you could take TV away for a week. But that won't teach him anything. Instead, find a way for him to replace or repair the item.
That might mean earning the money — even small children can do simple chores — or taking the money out of his piggy bank or allowance. Or perhaps he can sit with you and glue the item back together. This and many other nonpunitive methods are respectful and teach important life skills. Our parents may not have called it a time-out, but make no mistake, they used it. Does "Go to your room" ring a bell?
The time-out continues to be a favorite for parents of 2-year-olds, 3- to 4-year-olds, kindergartners, and grade-schoolers. Parents of younger children may discover the technique doesn't work well yet.
But not all time-outs are created equal. Some readers report using gentler methods than their parents did. I didn't find that particularly educational," says one mom. Change it. Time-out is recommended when the purpose is positive: To give a chance to take a break for a short time and try again as soon as he feels better.
This cooling-off period allows to "do" better because it gives him a chance to "feel" better. Since the term time-out has so many negative associations, you might ask your child to rename it, something like cooling-off spot or feel-good place. For very young children, try taking a time-out together in a place that encourages calm and quiet.
It may include cushions, a favorite stuffy, or a book to read. The term grounding may make you think of teenagers forced to stay home for breaking curfew. But this technique — really a form of losing privileges — is also used by parents of young children, who say they learned it from their own parents. Another mom, who endured groundings herself growing up, says, "When my son was 6, he was grounded for throwing rocks over the school fence onto parked cars.
He didn't like it, I don't think I ever did either as a. But I never repeated the offense, and, to my knowledge, neither has he. Like losing privileges, groundings work if the child misses something he cares about — otherwise it's worthless. It's a waste of time grounding a 2- or 3-year-old, as they really don't understand the connection. Most parents choose a grounding period that's too long. Extended periods can backfire, causing your child to feel persecuted or picked on and starting a negative retaliation cycle.
Keep in mind that you don't want a grounding to make everyone else in the family miserable, and if the grounding isn't realistically enforceable, it will be more difficult for you where can i go to get spanked follow through consistently. Grounding has no place in a positive discipline approach to raising. Children don't have to suffer to learn. Grounding is a form of punishment where adults do something to.
Instead, think about ways to solve a discipline problem with your. If your kids are constantly fighting, instead of grounding them, you might, after a cooling-off period alone in separate rooms, have them focus on ways to resolve the problem — taking turns, removing the object in dispute, or putting the issue on the family-meeting agenda.
Unless safety is a concern, don't get involved or take sides, and have faith they can work it out. If you grew up in a house of screamers, chances are you turn up the volume on your kids too. And that describes most of us: About 9 out of 10 parents reported yelling, shouting, or screaming at their kids in a study by the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire. While no one is suggesting that the occasional angry outburst is damaging for life, there's evidence to suggest that constant yelling is as emotionally harmful to children as physical abuse.
So why do we bellow instead of staying mellow? We yell because we can, because we feel our children don't listen, because we're angry and lack other tools to call on in the moment, says Devra Rennercoauthor of Mommy Guilt, which calls yelling the one guilt-inducer in moms of school-age children.
If you resort to yelling on a regular basis, you've created a cycle that's a trap. Your kids will wait for the yelling to make sure you mean business. Yelling actually reduces your influence by pushing you to more emotional intensity than the situation warrants — say, trying to convince your child to pick up his toys.
It empowers your child: He knows he can upset you by delaying. It's self-defeating. Instead, be relentless but not emotional. If you find yourself about to yell, take a break or have your partner step in.Where can i go to get spanked
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Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?